January 12, 2014 3rd post

 I scream out loud tonight, but no one hears me but my father. the frustration of no being able to understand what he says, gets to him and his agitation goes back up and back to the vent he goes. I question maybe I should just not go for the 48 hours and maybe without seeing me he will stay calm and come off the ventilator permanently, but how do I not go? He would think I don't care and I don't love him. He got mad threw the paper across the room and points to the door, all the while I cry and cry inside myself. How Oh Lord how do we get past this. Will he ever forgive me for this trach or will I ever forgive myself for allowing them to put it in? Did I do everything right, help him Lord Jesus to see that all these things can be removed and have some of his life back, please Lord I'm begging you hear my plea. <3 My strength cometh in the Morning.

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